Monday, June 07, 2004

A broker in my office just made the biggest fucking error I've ever seen in my life! See, when you get a confirmation slip that your account has been liquidated and lists what you got for everything you sold, that means it's all gone. So, realizing the mistake, you call your broker and say "Hey, man, you must have messed up. Put it back the way it was." Then 3 business days later everything is fine and returned and your cost basis info is all back. Here's how that magic happens:

Client sends in a request to liquidate his IRA and roll it into his son's 529 (this is an after-tax a/c used for college). You write his account number on the top, because as usual your client failed to do so. Most clients don't even know their account numbers anyway. You give it to your assistant and tell her to liquidate. She eyes it and asks you if you're sure. You say yes. She asks if the client is aware of the penalties and back-end sales charges (these are commissions tacked onto the sale of B class mutual fund shares sold before they "mature"). You say yes. She tells you that doesn't make sense for a man to liquidate his entire IRA and put it into his 10 year old son's college account. You tell her to shutup and do it. Meddlesome bitch is always second-guessing you.

Your assistant sells off everything your client has been accumulating for the last 18 years and waits until settlement date to move it into his son's 529. But on the date of move, the bitch again second guesses you and calls the client directly to confirm he understands he's paying a 10% penalty for the premature distribution for his IRA, income tax as well as capital gains tax on the entire balance, plus the back-end sales charges for selling B shares before they matured into A shares. The client, horrified, says he told his broker "No such thing!" Your assistant, fully aware that you are an idiot to begin with, then transfers the client directly to you for the ass chewing of a lifetime.

Your mistake? Though your client failed to distinguish between his IRA's, he MEANT for you to liquidate the $700 after-tax ROTH account that was sitting in cash and suffers no penalties or taxes when taken out. You, on the other hand, grabbed his monstrous Traditional IRA and demanded your nincumpoop assistant liquidate the entire thing without first confirming which IRA your client was referring to.

So now what do you do? Buy it all back in the house error account. Your branch, at it's own expense, buys back everything it sold, then puts it back into the client's account and your assistant goes back and enters the original purchase information so the cash and equity value are exactly as they should be (to the finite penny), after spending several hours gathering it all since some of it was transferred in from another firm. But since the market has gone for a run since you sold it, the prices are higher and your branch had to pay an average of $3 more PER SHARE for everything that was sold. We can't charge the client for this, it wasn't the client's mistake. So who do we charge?

That's right.

For the next 4 months, (brokers are only paid once a month) that poor arrogant bastard will see a $4,200 DEBIT taken out of his paycheck. That sorry motherfucker won't get paid again until October of this year. Hope he's loving that new house he bought for his unemployed housewife last month and all of her Louis Vuitton purses.

Do you feel sorry for him?

Me, neither.

Sarah migh gossip non-stop, but on a professional level that lady keeps my business in order and I know it. David is too stupid to appreciate his assistant that way.