Sunday, June 27, 2004

Cavity search? I don' think so

There's nothing like the feel of cold hard steel around your wrists. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's really bad. In my case, it was the latter.

When I was a young lad, 20-something, I found a bottle of wine in my fridge. Leftover, of course, from a date with a chic I totally struck out with. So here I am, alone, bored, hungry, and completely absent of food. Mind you, the rookie years of a broker are akin to starving. If one does not have a shoulder to lean on (or use until a more attractive one comes along) then the burden falls entirely upon our own shoulders to feed ourselves, pay the rent and the car we must have to pretend we are cool, and whatever the fuck else we think we need that comes above food on the priority list. (Generally, anything relating to pussy comes above food. Man can live off pussy alone...obviously I starved for long periods at a time...) My aunt gave me a giant can of tri-flavored popcorn and I lived off that for 3 weeks around this time.

So the smart thing to do is to have wine for dinner. Why the fuck not? I down a bottle of cheap ass merlot/sauvignon/cabernet - whatever. It's all the same in my book: Red. And then start to feel a buzz. Let me tell you something - I don't care how much tequila, beer or whiskey you put away, wine is a whole 'nother beast. It likes to kick your ass with subtlety and efficiency and proceeds to do so. Especially on a belly of stale, cheese flavored popcorn.

So now I'm inebriated on a Thursday night, hungry, but too horny to notice. My next move?

BOOTY CALL!!!!!!

Only now I'm too fucking stupid and liquored up to think rationally so I jump into my pickup and hit the road, jack. I recall sitting at a stop light, thinking about the good lovin' I was about to get, watching the red light sway back...and forth....back....and forth. Next thing I know my truck is on the shoulder of the street, only feet from the river, with an 8 foot long cement pillar on the hood, windshield shattered, grilled fucked to hell, both front tires blown out, transaxle broken in half! What the fuck...? How did all that shit right there happen?

I run down the street, mind you nobody witnessed my slaughter of an innocent cement pole, and called my buddy from someone's house. He tells me to call a tow truck so I do. I knew he'd have the answer. He'd never let me down.

I go back to my truck which is smoking and wheezing in the night against the beautiful backdrop of the chemical plant across the river. Four minutes later a fucking cop pulls up. Lovely.

Needless to say they found reason to put me through the rigors of a sobriety test. I stood on one foot (the other heel touching the ground because surely they didn't notice) and counted to 30mississippi. Then I'm asked to say my alphabet. No problem, I've been saying that motherfucker since I was 6 years old. So, as quickly as I can, because in my drunkeness I think speed proves sobriety, I begin:

"ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRST....QRST.....ABCEDEFHIJKLMNOPQRST.... FUCK!" What the fuck comes after T?!

Somehow, that brilliant bitch knew to slap the cuffs onto me and throw my worthless ass into her patrol car. But is this as stupid as I get? Fuck no! I'm way dumber than that. No, no, what would be a really stupid ass move at this point?

Hmm....how about take my hands out of the cuffs like I'm fucking David Copperfield? Oh now there's a good idea! Want to piss off a cop? Sit in the back of the patrol car, cuffed for DWI, and take your hands out of the cuffs and TAP THE MOTHERFUCKER ON THE SHOULDER AND SAY, "Excuse me? Can we leave now?" If there had been a strap-on in the car, that bitch would have ass-fucked me on the spot. She was pissed! She had me get out so she could tighten those sons of bitches so tight I had bruises the next day at work.

On the drive to the jail, an amazingly scenic route along a shit littered highway, it occurs to me my accident was in a deserted area of town and the only car to drive by was a cop car that appeared almost as if it were looking just for me. Not possible, you say! So I ask, "How did you know I was out here?"

The bitch snickered. "Your friend called us. He said your truck broke down in a bad part of town and he was worried about your safety."

That fucker!