Saturday, June 19, 2004

Drop the uterus!

Blinkers are for pussies. You don't warn somebody before you fuck up their view. You take that spot. That's how it works in this city. We expect it, we respect it. Out-of-towners aren't prepared for it until they experience it. If we see a blinker light up we gun it to close off the space so the naive motherfucker who gave us forewarning will have to pull in behind us instead. It's not rude. It's hometown sport.

Posted speed limits? The minimum. Your average driver will usually hit 20 mph or so above that. You can do 85 mph on the highway and simply blend. If you want to pass someone, you better have the sack to hit 100 or take your place behind the SUV who just cut you off.

Ahh, the SUV. There's another hometown trait. We don't have hills. Our city doesn't stack to the clouds like NYC or Chicago, it squishes out for miles and miles of flat ass terrain. So what does every rich oil housewife out there drive? That's right. A $60k SUV. A motherfucking Hummer getting 8 miles to the gallon and equipped with 4 wheel drive and a set of Mickey T's that would spit on Everest.

Own a gun? Bring that son of a bitch along! There's no better place for a weapon than on the interstate. I have witnessed a man driving down the highway, 70 mph, head sticking out the driver side window, steering with his right hand and firing off a glock with his left hand. Happy New Year! Now you got 6 seconds to get the fuck out of the way before that bullet comes back down and kills your ass because you put your damn blinker on right before it happened and he sped up and made you take your rightful place behind him.

When I drive to other cities I can't help but feel bewildered. It's like shooting ducks in a barrel. There's no sense of accomplishment when you try to cut someone off and they politely change lanes to let you have it. What, no fight? Pussy. There is far too much testosterone on the roads here and hot damn I love it. Things don't get fucked up until some timid bitch in a Yukon comes to a complete stop on the acceleration ramp, left blinker just a ticking, calmly waiting for the motherfucking Red Sea to part for her pampered ass and let her in. Bitch, go! If I get rear-ended while parked behind you on this ramp I will not hesitate to get out and kick your ever loving ass! Now let go of your uterus and hit the damn gas!

Road rage. Love it. Some people pay amusement parks to give them the kind of ride I get every day on the drive.

On a gentler note, it's time to lay off Jazz for awhile. We've become a bit more acquainted since my last post and out of respect for her privacy I have to stop now, else something more will happen and everyone will know exactly the moment because I'll suddenly stop sharing.