Thursday, June 17, 2004

Landscaping the genitalia

If you're flopping your tiddies out in the corporate breakroom, don't get pissed off when I screech to a stop and take three steps backwards to get a second glance. That's why God gave me eyes, to look at tiddies in the breakroom. I don't want to hear that "respect in the workplace" bullshit. If it's that sacred to you, flop them out in the supply room or the little conference room only rookies like The Dave ever use. Ladies, you don't see me standing in the breakroom with my johnson in my hand, do you? I don't use my pecker to press the buttons on the microwave or turn the faucet off and on. I can. But I don't.

I don't know what the fuck was going on in there, but the hipocrisy hit me like a...well like a pair of 52 year old tiddies in the face. Cut that shit out! We know you're old, we know you sag, we know this stuff. That's why we avoid you, but when you throw them out there just the motion of them plummeting to your waistline is enough to catch any man's eye and like a bloody ass train wreck there's just no looking away. I don't care what the reason was, there's no excuse to scar a man's retinas that way. I could never get away with that shit. "Hey Cliff, is this a pimple on my dick?"

And to add insult to optical injury, the bitch complained to management that I oggled her! Fortunately, our BM is a prick and told her to go fuck herself in his own politically correct way. What do you think he would have done had the tables been reversed? That's right! I would have been arrested for sexually harrassing her in the privacy of the office breakroom and then the my new boyfriend, Big Bubba, would ravage my carnal treasures in the group shower. My ass is clenched just thinking about it.

That brings up another topic.... Perhaps another night.

By the way, I've been smoothly treating various assistants to lunch this week. Tomorrow is Jasmine's turn. I think I'll trim the garden just in case she gets wild on me and wants more than a salad. Take that as a lesson to all of you gents, don't make your woman pause to spit out a hair. It really throws off the rhythm.

Yeah. Still dreaming.