Saturday, June 26, 2004

Operation Intercourse

Assigment: Get laid
Procedure: Seduction

First, we light candles. It's a total fucking waste of a sulphur match, but chics go for that. Then we set the stage, some moronic romantic comedy combined with liquor. Oh yes, don't forget the alcohol. We choose wine because you ladies think that is sexy. I'd rather have a Miller Lite, but not if it means loving on Big Jay myself when she gets turned off and goes home.

Next, we endure this stupid fucking movie, likely starring Ben Stiller and Jenna Elfman or some other ridiculously hot chic. We laugh when you laugh, that is our cue after all. Then we pull your feet up into our laps and massage them. This is not because we are trying to earn your thankfulness, but because this gets you in a horizontal position on our couches.

The soles of the feet are errogenous, we know this (those of us horny enough to do our homework, that is). We will even use lotion, which we keep around for...other reasons you are not a part of. We will work our way up the legs, but never above the knee. Crossing over onto the thigh puts a woman on the defense. Rule #1, never make a woman defensive. Always make the next move her idea. Otherwise, she'll high-tail her ass out of there faster than you can, "Can I lick your titty?"

We massage, stroking her toes, soles, arches, heels and calves with our warm, rough, slippery palms. Then we gently guide you with, "Want me to do your shoulders? You can leave your shirt on."

Of course she does. But does she leave her shirt on? Of course not. It doesn't come off right away, though. Patience, grasshopper. Nudity takes time. We suggest she lie across our laps, boobs to thighs. And we innocently begin with the shoulders and neck and gently work down the spine, never going below the waist. Again, that puts a woman on the defense. Rule #2, practice restraint. Dead puppies, dead puppies. Yes, we're ready. But when aren't we?

Next move? It's so obvious. Slide your fingers up her spine, slowly, up her neck, then into her hair. Errogenous zone #2, scalp. Gently massage the scalp, never touching anything obvious on her body, ie breasts, crotch, ass, so forth. You know, all the good parts. Swirl her hair all over her head, slowly. It tickles and she likes that.

When it comes to sex, she's the boss. And if you let her be, she'll rock your world. Once she goes in for the kiss, you're 90% there.

Tomorrow's lesson: What to do when the shirt comes off.