Friday, June 18, 2004

Stupid is as stupid does

Stupid comes in all shapes and sizes. When I drove past the synagogue I could see a white car flipped upside down like a turtle on its back. Around it stood 5 rail thin teenage boys in the rain wearing baggy shorts and wet, clingy shirts staring at it like it was going to take a breath and say, "You got me!" and flip back over. Somehow, the Einstein of the bunch found a way to combine a flat, wet parking lot and the phenomena of hydroplaning to produce the inverted spectacle we were all being treated to. But what he failed to factor into the equation was the ass whipping his daddy was going to give him once the results of this little scientific experiment were disclosed. So here they stood, 5 hairless boys whose balls hadn't even dropped yet, scratching their chests and praying for a miracle. Here's how it played out:

Jay: Anybody hurt?
Group: No.
Jay: How long you been out here in the rain staring at that car?
Driver: 'Bout an hour.
Jay: Have you called for help?
Driver: No, we figured we might just roll it back over.
(pause, as i pretend to believe they're not morons)
Jay: So what are you waiting for?
Driver: It's too heavy.
Jay: What is this, a Neon?
Driver: Yeah, it's my mom's.
Jay: So what are you going to do?
Driver: The synagogue is right there. We were kinda hoping for a miracle from God before my dad finds out.
Jay: Are you Jewish?
Group: Nah.

At which point I wanted to say, "Jesus H. Christ, call a fucking tow truck you idiots!" In the end, I wound up with 5 hairless teenagers, a big tow truck operator named Eugene, and another sucker who just happened to be driving by rolling a Dodge Neon back onto all fours in a damn thunderstorm. I should have beat the kid's ass myself.