Sunday, July 11, 2004

Booty call

I’m sitting outside with my laptop surfing the web because I’m wicked cool. I think this weekend took more out of me than the week preceding it. Out of the blue my ex-girlfriend called Friday night wanting to come over. Yeah, when monkeys leap from my anus. I told her to go fuck herself in a polite way, “No. Go fuck yourself.”

My ex, let us call her Glenn Close, dialed my cell 8 times Friday night. She was wasted and probably horny and willing to settle for this here “commitment-phobic asshole.” I kindly explained to her that I was otherwise occupied and simply could not be of any help to her by saying, “Look, you pretentious whore, I wouldn’t fuck you again if you had your mouth sewn shut and your ass in the air.”

She understood such obvious logic, sharing her sentiments in the form of, “I hate you, you arrogant prick! I hate you! You’re afraid of a REAL woman! You can’t control me!” Fucking drama majors.

I respectfully snapped my phone shut, double checked my locks, armed the system, prayed to Allah, and went back to bed, thankful I did not have a bunny to boil. At 1:35am Glenn called for the last time, letting it ring only once. I stared at it like it was a opossum (that o is silent, folks) playing dead, but sure enough it didn’t ring again. I slept with one eye open, expecting to see a silhouette in the window holding a knife ready to plunge it into me.

Saturday, Jazz came over for most of the day. She was here when once again I got a call from Glenn. It was 9:30 and I’d lost all tolerance. I snapped it open and answered with, “What do you want?”

She was crying and replied, “Jay, they arrested me for DWI last night!”

I laughed so fucking hard. “Is that why you only let the phone ring once that last time? Because the cops were on you?”

She started bawling, “Yes! It’s not funnyyyyyyyyy!”

I was still laughing. “I'm sorry, Glenn, you're right. Here, this should help: Grow the fuck up and don't call me again.”

I had already shared my previous adventure with Jasmine so she understood what was going on. She was very cool about it, I knew she would be. It was like I’d just told her about some political ad I’d just seen. She shrugged it off and moved on to the next topic. Damn it’s great to be with a real woman for once.

With her permission, I am referring you to the first sentence of this post. I have nothing more to say. Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies.