Sunday, July 25, 2004

Outwitted by women

I truly believe premium grade brain cells are stored within the vagina, which inadvertently leaves the rest of us without. Tonight when I got to Jazz’s place I was greeted with the usual smile and kiss and naked jiggly tits with “come hither” written across them in strawberry syrup. Okay, I’m lying about the syrup. And the naked tits.

But I was soon left to my own devices, no girlfriend, no jiggly tits, just me and a bushy plant while Jasmine went back into her bedroom to finish getting ready.

It’s at this point, all alone, when I heard a noise. It was a low grumbling of sorts, an “Oof.” What the fuck was that? I walked into the living area. Nothing. She doesn’t have any pets. Not even a gerbil. And if she did I don’t think it would say “Oof.”

Then it sneezed.

I whipped around. “Jasmine?” Silence. Do spiders sneeze?

I stepped into the kitchen and flipped on the light. Canisters filled with trail mixes, no dirty dishes, no clutter, a disregarded hand towel on the counter, ooh, a piece of gum, but nothing that goes “Oof” in the night. That’s when Jasmine screamed.

”Get off me!!”

“Jasmine!” My heart jumped into my throat and I ran out of the kitchen. I heard glass shatter and then a heavy thud, followed by her screaming, “NO!” I was practically drowning in adrenaline when I cut the corner and ran for her room. I’ll kill the motherfucker, whoever he is! I threw the door open, ready to whip some ass. “Get the fuck—“

“Oof! Oof!”

“Jay, NO!”


I had a half a second to duck and I shit you not, I used that time wisely. The biggest fucking dog I’ve ever seen in my life came at me, teeth and all. That bitch went airborne and jumped right over my manly, crouched form as I screamed like a crack whore.

“Jay, don’t let her out!”

I turned to watch the massive creature bounding down the hallway. “I don’t remember her asking, Jasmine! And to be quite honest, I wouldn’t have argued with her if she had.”

Danety, an obvious misnomer, turned out to be a 120 lb. Great Dane with a yearning for freedom. I spent the better half of an hour commanding, begging, and wrestling with this enormous beast whose mouthful of razor sharp teeth just happened to be at pecker level, in an attempt to put her back into her sanctuary: the now nookie-free master bedroom.

“Why don’t you just-“

“Jasmine, please. I got this.” Damn women and their bright ideas. Why didn’t she tell me she was dogsitting in the first place? This was all her fault anyway.

Danety shoved her ass in the air and crouched onto her front elbows, taunting me. I dragged, pushed, and almost lifted. Nada. I was occasionally treated to an enormous wet tongue to the cheek but that bitch had made her decision. I had been outsmarted by an animal that rolls around in road kill.

Exhausted and defeated, I let Jasmine in on the bad news. “I’m sorry, Jazz. There’s no way I can get her back in there.”

Jasmine made a kissing sound that brought Danety to attention. We both looked down the hallway and watched Jasmine throw something into the bedroom. “Go fetch!” she said.

Danety trampled over me, a montage of knees, elbows and toenails all finding a soft spot to dig in to, and bounded into the bedroom. Jasmine quickly shut the door behind her.

“Why didn't you do that a half hour ago?”

She put one hand on her hip and flashed me her other palm. "Because you got this, remember?"

She was this close to not getting any special Jayloving tonight.