Friday, August 20, 2004

The anit-blow jobbers

A few nights ago I found myself planted at a table holding a lovely spade flush in a friendly game of Texas Hold ‘Em, or THE for short, when one of the brokers commented on his sex life. Actually, it was the lack thereof. This boy’s wife doesn’t do oral sex. He’s asked, begged, cajoled…nada. She will not go down on him.

At first we laughed and then a somberness settled in as each of us realized the consequences of marrying a woman who doesn’t give head, the “till death do we part” consequences, or TDDWP for short.

You ladies like it, right? To receive? Well hell, we like it to. I’ve dated a couple, just a couple, of women before who refused to suck a dick. Mine, to be more precise. Not that Big Jay’s fucked up or has two eyes or anything, as far as you know. They were just “anti-blow jobbers”, or ABJ’s for short. And when I learned this disheartening news it didn’t occur to me that I might never get one for the rest of my life because to be quite frank, they weren’t going to make the cut.

Now before the booing begins, I’m not saying I’d dump a woman because she won’t give my boy a lick. If Jasmine refused I’d stick around, but I might become dangerously inventive with the vacuum cleaner hose out of desperation someday and wouldn’t that be an embarrassing explanation at the hospital/vacuum repair shop? But that’s because it’s Jasmine. Those others? Fuck ‘em. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, ya damn ABJ's.

Think about what you do to your man when you refuse to eat the sausage. We are sexual pigs. Help us! Don’t challenge us. We might not go out looking to cheat, but don’t blame us when we bring shame and dishonor on your entire family because we are busted in the Johnny on the Spot, or JOTS for short, deflowering a pumpkin. It happens, believe you me.

I’m not here asking you to slip off your panties in the middle of the Red Lobster and give us a tug and a jug at the dinner table, or TAAJ for short. Just once in a while, juice it up for us, ya know? We won’t even be greedy. No head pushing, we’ll be oh so quick, trust us, and this time we swear we’ll warn you before it happens. Scout’s honor.