Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Could she be any worse?

I know some of you people think Jasmine is perfect. I got that impression when some of you said, “Jasmine is perfect!” That’s just how fucking astute I am, let me tell you. So I sat down and started thinking about all of her hideous flaws that make her luckier to have me than vice versa. Oh yes, you are vibrating with excitement. It’s another fucking list! Allow me to itemize the wench’s faults below:

1. She will not do my laundry.
2. She likes the Dallas Cowboys.
3. When I knock on her door, she does not answer it naked.
4. She won’t let me fiddle with her titties whenever I want.
5. When it’s 108 degrees outside, her feet are 67 degrees and she’s trying to stick them between my thighs.
6. She won’t let me help myself to her food whenever we’re eating out.
7. She’s always telling me, “You need to calm yourself.” Bullshit. BULLSHIT!
8. She leaves long dark hairs all over the place.
9. I have to knock before entering rooms in my own house.
10. She refuses to address me by my true name, “Adonis.”
11. She drives a Japanese automobile.
12. She has a nubbin. She says it’s a mole but I know a damn nubbin when I see one. If it perks when you’re cold it’s a nipple. If it shrinks, it’s a penis, but that’s another circum…circumstance.
13. She’s 3 inches shorter than I am but we have the same inseam. Actually, that’s hot.
14. She gloats when she wins at air hockey. That right there is poor sportsmanship, folks.
15. She has three gray hairs and will only admit to two. Pretending not to see it does not make it any less so. One, two, three!
16. She thinks the Coors Light “Here’s to Football” songs are stupid.

How you like that? She ain’t so perfect anymore, now is she? Ha! Now allow me to point out all of my perks just to be sure you understand how lucky she really is:

1. I got an Honorable Mention in my 4th grade spelling bee.
2. I have a nice ass.
3. I’m humble.
4. Did I mention my ass?
5. I can do the touchdown dance drunk or sober.
6. Watch how I can tighten each cheek independently.
7. I can spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious(sp?).
8. I let chics win at air hockey.
9. Here, bounce this quarter off it and see for yourself.
10. I can cook like a mofo. It just takes some folks a few weeks to get used to everything tasting like TexJoy steak seasoning.
11. I know all of the words to every Coors Lite “Here’s to football” song.

I love playing two-hand touch
Eating way too much
Watching my team win
With the twins

I love quarterbacks eating dirt
Pom-poms and short skirts
Fans who won’t quit
And those twins

And I love you, too!
Here’s to football!