Friday, August 13, 2004

Nose strips from hell

When I went through the medicine cabinet for some ibuprofen I saw those things that Jazz wears on her nose. You know, those sticky things that suck the shit out of your pores. I leaned into the mirror to look at my pores. How can you tell if they have shit in them? I opened my mouth to stretch the skin taut (like my ass) and turned my head from side to side, top to bottom, perusing my pores. I think…I think maybe my pores could use a cleaning, what do you say?

Ok, so step one says to remove the strip from the package. Done. Next, dampen the nose area. Ok. I run my fingers under the water and pat my nose a few times until I have a good glisten going on. Piece of cake. Next? Apply strip to the moistened area. Allow to dry. No problem. First I fuck with the piece of shit trying to separate the clear plastic from the white, filmy thing for so long my nose dries off. Dammit, I wet it again. There. Sure as hell glad Jazz is in Dallas right now. I apply the filmy thing, looking like a very unfeminine Marcia Brady in the broken nose episode. I turn to Danety. “What do you think?” She does that single brow lift thing and leaves me to my stupidity.

Ok, so now what? Let dry, then remove quickly. Perfect. I’ll go eat some popcorn. About ten minutes go by when I feel like someone is slowly twisting my nose off my face. Holyshit, was this thing gummed with superglue? I start to wriggle my mouth and cheeks trying to break the bond and relieve the tension. I lasted about another two minutes before I couldn’t take it anymore. I went into the bathroom, grabbed the edge, and quickly ripped the son of a bitch off like the instructions said to do. “OWWW, FUUUUUUUUCK!” I grabbed the hair brush and slung it across the room for no good reason, because it just felt good to throw something. Shit! I checked the strip to see if my nose was still attached to it. What in the hell is wrong with you women? Is this some kind of fucked up torture device you use on one another? Do you sit around devising the most painful, unnecessary shit you can imagine to fuck up other women to increase your odds? “Oh, honey, your pores are filthy! Here, use this rubber cement flesh tape. Skin is soooo overrated. Men love cartilage.”

Men just don't do crap like that. Do you see men wrapping their shit in duct tape and ripping it off because they saw a pimple on their peckers? Has any man ever even fucking suggested that shit? “Bob, stick this on your dick and peel it off really fast. Be sure to get some hair in there, that’s what makes it worthwhile.”