Friday, August 13, 2004

TMI

35 things about me you’d rather not know:

1. I time myself using the second hand every time I take a leak. Someday I will make a chart in Excel to calculate my average length of urination.
2. Demi Moore does it for me. She's better than porn.
3. For the several months before Jasmine came around, my lovers were Lever 2000 and Lubriderm.
4. I once sniffed a girl’s panties. Okay, twice.
5. I was the baby, and then the middle child, and then the baby again.
6. Love dogs. Hate cats. Weirdly fascinated with sloths.
7. I cried like a little bitch at the end of the movie “In America”
8. The cans of food in my pantry are label forward, neatly stacked. Don’t fuck with them.
9. I never make my bed. What the hell for? I’m just gonna fuck it up again in a few hours.
10. I mute the TV during commercials. Hate the noise.
11. I think Judge Judy is the shit.
12. I sing in the shower, the car, at work, while doing yard work. Loud, proud, and really bad.
13. I never return movies on time to Blockbuster. They love me.
14. I speed and I do it well.
15. I want little Jays. And maybe little Jasmines.
16. On that topic, I want to fucking tell people she’s mine goddammit. Soon…
17. I don’t lie.
18. #17 is a lie.
19. No it isn’t. See #17.
20. I attended a biker ball, full leather chaps, vest, jacket and boots. Even had a biker bitch, but she fell off the back of the bike before we got there.
21. Just kidding. She didn’t fall. I knocked her bitch ass off.
22. I put my stank feet on the coffee table and I fucking love it. That’s why I have a coffee table.
23. My middle name is Alan.
24. I admire proud black women. They love who they are and take shit from no one.
25. I do NOT read while I’m dropping a load. I shit you not.
26. I am the Frogger King on Atari
27. I am proud of my snaggle toe. Fuck you, The Dave.
28. I prefer to be on bottom so I can watch the hooters bounce during sex.
29. The thought alone of anal sex makes my ass cheeks clench…tightly. Sorry, kev.
30. I think rape should be punished via castration.
31. I hate women who fake orgasm. Don’t fucking lie to me. My ego does not need your bullshit. I’ll cum whether you do or not.
32. I eat pussy and I LOVE IT.
33. If I were on death row my last meal request would be “Pink Pussy with a side of jiggly Titties.”
34. I’ve got a 52” wide screen Hi-Def Sony with complete surround sound, a DVD player, 6 remote controls, and an aged brown leather recliner that will massage my ass until the cows come home, but nothing more than a metal frame and king size mattress set in my bedroom.
35. I believe in soul mates.