Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Breakfast blend drive-by

I stopped at Starbucks this evening to get a coffee and instead got a bunch of bullshit I didn’t know what to do with. I’m recalling the conversation from memory here so if I misquote something, well, fuck it. Like you’ll ever know the difference.

Me: I need a grande latte.
Punk: Would you like a muffin with that delicious latte, sir?
Me: No.
Punk: What about some aromatic beans? Would you like some beans?
Me: What the hell would I want beans for?
Punk: Well, sir, it’s cheaper to buy the beans and make the coffee yourself.
Me: I don’t want to make it myself.
Punk: It’s not hard to do, sir.
Me: I didn’t say it was. I don’t have a bean grinder.
Punk: I can grind them for you, sir, the aromatic beans.
Me: Just get me the latte.
Punk: We have fresh pound cake this fine day, sir. Would you like to try our fresh pound cake?
Me: Is my coffee ready?
Punk: I have a 10 lb. bag of beans.
Me: That must be uncomfortable. Hand me my damn coffee.
Punk: Fine, sir. You don’t buy beans, I don’t smile. Good day.

As I walked off he threw a bag of coffee beans at me. Threw it at me. It was the first time I’d ever been involved in a drive-by beaning. What the hell kind of marketing plan is that, to pelt your customer with the product when he refuses to buy it?

I picked up the coffee and carried it back to him. His eyes got huge but he stood there ready to take it like a man. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a $10 and dropped it on the counter.

“I like your unique approach. But do it again and I’ll drag your ever loving ass outside and shove those beans up it one fistful at a time.” I left them on the counter.

When I reached the door he actually shouted out, “Thank you, sir. Come again!”

See. That's why you shouldn't smoke crack while pregnant.