Thursday, September 02, 2004

A Dastardly Happy Birthday Wish

I voted to say "Dude. It's your birthday. Cool." But the women overruled me. So here goes our first blogger community post. Have a good one.

A wonderful blogger, The Dastard, is having a birthday today. According to his profile, there will be 104 candles on his cake. Wow...someone call the fire dept. and have them on standby, ok?

What can we say about the Dastard?
This evasive creature, Limulus Polyphemus & Bean Town boy, will not allow his visage to be published on-line. He is quick, shifty, and likes to tease. I guess that's why he's the Dastard. Some speculate that he is just shy. The ladies are convinced, however, that the real reason is that he is so damned handsome. That has to be it...He won't show us his picture because he knows that all of the ladies in his cyber-harem would fall desperately in love with him (well, that is, those who aren't already)!

Dastardisms
A big part of the reasons why we love the Dastard so much is the funny and clever things he says in comments - our comments and his own.

"The eyes follow you everywhere because the body they are attached to follows you everywhere. uh….that sounded a lot more creepy than sexy, huh? Sorry."


"The beer in the fridge it's yours...except the PBR, that's mine. And put back what ever you find in my sock/porn drawer."

"Sowing discord where ever I go. That's the Dastard way."
"I am wearing sparkly no-pantz right now!"

"I am nnnnooottttt...a...scifi..d..do..or.......Argh. I can't say it, but I did try so I still win."

"What's all this then? Oh, (large lapelled shirt open to my navel) it's time for The Dastard to kiss and make love to a certain special lady or ladies tonight, maybe followed by a little light sloth-tossing."

"Sorry. some of the below is witless prattle and may be boooorrrringgg!!!
I like saying "witless prattle." Did I just dis myself. Doh!"

"Me fail English, that's unpossible!!!"

"WUTTHEFUCKAREYOUEVENTALKINGABOUT?!!!!" "Better have my money now. I'm The Dastard, bitch!"

"Your mamma has an afro with a chin-strap"

"The picture you have up now is Hi-larry-us! I can't believe someone
actually made a conscious decision to leave the house looking like a
total...wait-a-minute..Um...DAD?!!!!!"

"Thanks for the big 'ol man-hug. Sorry I forgot to put deodorant on."

"Have you read all the way to the bottom and no dirty stuff or political rhetoric? Don't be mad, here's your reward: pener, hoo-ha, boobie, heiney, doin'-it, president."


"huhehheheheee...you like to eat....never mind. BAD DASTARD!!"

"I don't have 2 pussies but I do have a man-gina."

"You don't want to be to harsh with the kitty. It's much better to be even handed. Maybe you should start gently and then add more discipline as needed, depending on the behavior of the kitty. Try this strategy: "nice kitty, nice kitty, nice, nice kitty, nice...bad kitty! bad kitty, bad, bad kitty....nice kitty, very nice kitty. ....and I do like the bad kitties."

"I am your Bare and Unbalanced news source."

"I would never burst your bubbles, only gently caress and massage them."

"I like a girl who can guffaw at wrong things."

"Or maybe I'll just mount and then stuff you. Oh, you heard right"

"Hullo Random Gentle Sleepy Peach. Wakey-wakey. Poke-poke."


"The REdasTard had struck again"

"Remember to always probe your meatballs."

"I am wearing paper pantz"

"My mom made me those pants!! Shut up!!!"

"Great, now everybody knows what my ass looks like. Thanks a lot
Fleece. That camera phone is dangerous."

"Actually that is not me. I would never wear a red thong with pink tite-pantz."

"I cloned headless babies."

"I'm the only boob here."

"Did you really stay up until 1am last night like a big loser waiting
for blogger to come back? Huh? How do I know it was back up at 1? Ummmmmm......I, ah....shutup Fleece"

"It's Don Juan Dastardo to you!"

"I am not trying to be a tease, unless your name is Michael or Gooch and have a tub of ass-wax. Damn, am I typing it instead of only thinking it again?"

"why does everyone think they are the boss of me. "Dastard get haloscan. Dastard put up a new post. Dastard stop dating my mom.""

"I did everything exactly like you said...but after I asked this one guy to smell it, well, that's the last I remember until I woke up in a hotel room somewhere in Thailand, wearing nothing but a leopard print banana-hamock."

"Comply!"

Critics Agree...
"Dastard, even though I crush on you, you don't pick on me about it.
Everything is fair game, and I love that. Happy Birthday Shmoopee!" - Lovisa

I think he is great, he shows a side you don't often see in the real world and that's refreshing. - Nord

"Dastard, Cheri, you know that I think you are simply the cat's pajamas. You are sensitive, intelligent, mysterious, obnoxious, freaking hilarious, thoughtful, and oh so sexy - everything I love in a man. Happy Birthday! *104 WHAPS and matching giggle smooches!* - Celti

What I like about El Dastardo.. he's witty, not afraid to make fun of himself, insightful and not afraid to admit (gasp) he has feelings and is sometimes confused and angry about life. He's remarkably upfront about what others may see as "geeky science stuff." I think he has a true passion for it and doesn't give a rats ass what anyone thinks. Did I mention he's a real hoot? And even though we've never seen his face, he truly has a sexy personality. I hope he's willing to meet me when I got to Boston later this Fall. What he said to me today in comments really did cause intense passion to flood my loins, which was no more than "I'll make you come... up here." LOL!!! He has such a way about him that you can't help but think of him sitting at his computer, biting his lip with a wicked, wicked grin on his face as he spars with the bloggers. He's a diamond in the rough. - Inanna

That Dern Dastard! There was this time that I thought Dastard was trying to steal my identity. He signed off as Cooter Pie on Sloth's website... and I felt oh-so violated. After all, I'm the sweetest Cooter there is... and if he was closer to the midwest, I'd eat him right up! Cootersnap likey Cooter Pie... - Ang

The Dastard is a good man deep inside. i used my x-ray vision of doom and i saw the truth. inside the spiky metal armor beats a great big heart with real feelings inside it. -el sid

He's my Distardly boy -- even though he often commits fashion faux pas
that I document on my blog (hello! red crisscrossy pants!). I love
this guy for his quirkiness, insight and fearlessness to question
everything that challenges him. Happy Birthday, Dastard! Fleecely hugs and love.
- Fleece

Top Ten Reasons I love the Dastard:
1. He's funny
2. He's smart
3. He has pretty eyes
4. He always says the right things: "Aimee: you are as sweet as a Krispy Kreme. I will think about you the next time I eat one but I will be thinking something nasty too."
5. Waaay back, before we even knew about the moth flies in the men's bathroom, he told us about his love of crotch-less wetsuits, the funny-name lists he makes, and his missing asparagus-pee enzyme. When I commented, his reply was, "Aimee: Consider yourself Mrs. Dastard", so I do.
6. When I get sick & have pulled muscles, he says, "My favorite Goofhead: Aww..blisters and pulled muskles. You need some tender dastardly luv.
7. When I flirt with guys, he chastises me in the nicest way (and makes me blush), "FLIRTED WITH A GUY?!! Let me at 'im! Seriously, that's good pour vous. But we already knew you were a great flirt."
8. Even though he's in love with Lovisa (aka: Lovie Poppet), see #5 above. (heehee!)
9. He and Sloth are friends, and Sloth is a good, good woman.
10. He had the good sense to be born a Virgo.
Happy Birthday, Dastard. Love you. - Aimee

Dear Dastard, because it is your birthday and ONLY because it is your birthday, I will, for one day only..............................let you be the boss of me. - Sloth

Dude, I love you! Not really. But maybe. - Jay

And Now...a little musical dedication to our Dastard:


  • "Dastard of Blogging"

  • Click the Title to Hear the Tune - Sung by Michael to the music of "Master of
    Puppets" by Metallica.

    Who the hell is that
    In the Krispy Kreme hat
    Elusive just to scoff you
    His references you heed
    Books that you should read
    Vonnegut and Nabakov, too. Aliens, Guns & Boobs by Lovisa

    I will read your site
    ’Cause you’re erudite
    The pics you volunteer
    Are in your scuba gear

    Come scrawling faster
    The blog of Dastard
    His comments blast ya
    The blog of Dastard
    Dastard

    Dastard of blogging he’s funny as hell
    Bein’ a wise-ass, but bein’ himself
    Blinded by wit you can’t see his face
    That or ‘cause his hand’s in the way
    Dastard
    Dastard
    Sometimes he’s "Dangsta" but I’m gonna say
    Dastard
    Dastard



    We love you Dastard. Have a very, very happy birthday!