Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Yeah? Well, duck you!

Don’t underestimate the learning opportunities farm animals offer an impressionable young child. My dad had brought home three guineas once, one for each of us kids even though Katy had long since passed away. He always brought home three of everything. Unfortunately, we failed to clip the guineas’ wings in time and the three of them flew off. So my dad went out and got us something else: mallards.

When he dumped the burlap sack three ducks came waddling out. Two mottled brown ducks and one fine specimen of a foul with handsome green and white rings around his neck. I immediately called shotgun to the striped mallard. My sister balked but my dad told her the ugly brown one was best for her because she was a stupid head, not in those exact words but when he winked at me I knew that was what he meant.

I loved my duck. He was the man and I named him Juan. He made the pond his own and he ruled the chicken yard. The other two ducks obeyed him when he quacked, his authority felt by all. Life was great for a while after that, until the unthinkable happened. I walked outside and out of the corner of my eye, I caught movement. “Juan, no!

I raced back into the house, “Momma! Momma! Juan is killing Julie’s duck!” My mother burst from the back door and came running to meet me halfway. With tears streaming down my face I heaved and cried and pointed. “He’s eating it!”

I could see the distress in my mother’s face as she looked around to find Juan. Why wasn't she moving faster? Is nature truly this cruel?!

And then she laughed. I was flabbergasted. “Jay, honey, he’s not killing it. He’s mating.” Obviously I still looked confused so she clarified. “Honey, he’s making babies with her.”

I gasped in horror and looked back just in time to see Juan stand up from his crouched position on the other duck’s back and stagger off toward the duck pond, spent and satiated. “My duck and Julie’s duck? Ewwwww, grodie!!!!!!!!” I never forgave Juan for his perversion.

Moral of the story: Clip your guineas before a duck fucks your sister.