Thursday, October 28, 2004

John Hancock for sale $5.99

I gave Jason a call tonight and we got together for a pissing contest. First we went 1-on-1 half court at the gym. I won. Then we moved to the weight room and pumped some iron. Jason is older than I am, barely, but smaller. He’s 5’9” at best and maybe weighing in around a buck 80. I took his ass out on bench and he forfeited on squats. But my knee! Pussy.

Then we jumped in the truck and headed out to Mountasia where they have a batting cage. I knew I was in for some shit there, but I tried to shake him down.

The machine, affectionately nicknamed Jugs, popped off a fast ball and Jason gave it hell, smashing it into the netting. “Must be on Minor League setting,” I told him.

He stared me down for that one. He was playing AAA last year after he tore his ACL during the season with the Twins year before last. I think his pride was hurt as much as his knee.

Jugs fired off two more shots, Jason smashing them both into oblivion on the other side of the cage. I got tired of the shit eating grins. “Give it a rest. It’s my turn.”

I put on my helmet, grabbed the most appropriate made-for-a-13-year-old bat and fired it up. Jugs popped off the first ball.

Swish! I think my vertebrae snapped I spun so far around. I took 9, count ‘em, NINE more swings before I finally hit one and fouled it off to the right. It took Jugs less than 5 minutes to complete the humiliation a la Jay. It was a sound ass whooping that didn’t even come close.

On the way back to the house I told him, “I beat you in hoops and weights. That outranks your adolescent batting cage.”

He replied with, “At the end of the day,” Jason always says ‘at the end of the day’ before something minutely profound, “It’s my name selling merchandise on eBay."

“Bullshit!”

We got back to my place and Jason jumped into his truck and headed home. I went straight inside, logged onto eBay and ran a search of his name.

I’ll be damned. That sack of shit. I should have had him sign my sweaty ass gym shorts so I could get in on the action.