Thursday, October 21, 2004

On the corner of Stickingto and Myass

We broke a record today. Had to. I’ve never felt humidity this thick in my whole god forsaken life. At one point I had to use my arms to wade through it. Of all days for me to go downtown, this was the worst. It’s 8 blocks due west on Dallas St from the metro stop to my once a month pseudo office. Eight fucking long ass blocks in 90 degree heat and 100% humidity. How in the hell can it be 100% humidity and not be an ocean? Enlighten my ignorant ass.

I wore my glasses today since my right eye’s been bothering me. Big mistake. I couldn’t see shit when I stepped off the metro except white fog. Took off my glasses and the color returned but it wasn’t any clearer since I’m blind as a bat, which by the way I hear aren’t really blind at all but that’s not the fucking issue right now so don’t start with me.

I got two blocks. Two whole blocks before I felt the first droplet of humidity/sweat race down my spine. My slacks were clinging to my legs as if I’d failed to towel off after the shower before getting dressed. My hair, which has a natural wave, became downright afro-ish somewhere between Milam and Smith and my face was entirely fluid, running down my neck and into the noose they call a starched shirt collar. Every breath I took was warm and wet and stagnating. By the time I swam up to the building I looked like I’d just run 10 miles. I went into the men’s room, unbuttoned my shirt, dropped my pants and thanked God almighty for Freon. Fuck the ozone.

I tried to wipe down but my options were meager at best. I had little bits and shreds of cheap toilet paper stuck all over my torso, snagging on my washboard and shit. Oh, the woes of being me. And it took me 10 minutes to tame my ‘fro. After I’d sopped up all of the lovely Houston weather from my crevices and planes I got redressed and went upstairs.

When I walked past the big wig’s assistant she said to me, “Morning, Jay. You always look so professional when you come see us.”

“Some things just come natural,” I lied.