Friday, November 19, 2004

Abercrombie & Fitch and Vasectomies

Abercrombie recently settled a lawsuit for discrimination in the amount of $50 million when all is said and done. This includes the cost of redesigning its marketing campaign because it has been blatantly targeting young, white adults and teens. They promised to be more diverse in the future.

Here’s my issue. Who the fuck gave people the right to tell Abercrombie who they have to market toward? If they want to target young, white adults and exclude all other skin colors, then so fucking be it. Am I raising hell because I’m not shaped like the 17 year old hairless punks in the ad? Hell no, because I don’t want to wear their goddamn clothes. Abercrombie has the right to target whomever they want in their ad campaigns. “But they don’t use black people in their ads!” Well, maybe, just fucking maybe, black people don’t want to wear their shit. Just maybe.

Does anybody care that Abercrombie is not targeting the 30 and over market? Or fat people? Or handicapped people? Or grandma? Fuck no. But there ain’t a Polynesian in those ads so let’s bring those bastards downs!

Does Ebony or Jet give a flying shit what I have to say? Does Akademics want me to wear their hanging-halfway-off-the-ass jeans? Sure they do. Do they spend millions of dollars putting half white, half Italian cowboys in their ads to draw me in? Hell no, and if they did they’d run themselves out of business. Does anybody care that beer commercials are marketed towards men and not women? Are there lawsuits against KitchenAid for not being sensitive to the househusbands out there who love to cook? How come I can watch the Rockets play any time I want, but if I want to see the Comets (Houston’s female basketball team) I’m shit out of luck? Is that not the broadcasting companies’ way of targeting men and excluding women in order to reap the most financial gains in sports advertisements?

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m against racism. Abercrombie had no right to refuse to hire non-Anglos. But just how many Mexicans do you see waiting tables at the sushi bar? How often does a Chinese waiter ask you if you want red or green sauce with your enchiladas? Is anybody boycotting them? Hell, my favorite sushi restaurant is run by a family of Taiwanese who are not only NOT Japanese, but they REFUSE to hire anybody that can’t be mistaken by ignorant Anglos as being Japanese. But that’s ok. Let’s go get Abercrombie for targeting their product to the most financially beneficial market for what they have to offer.

Leave Abercrombie the fuck alone.

Now, allow me to slip this soap box back under my desk for a moment. There we go. About last night: We all went out for drinks after work. As people slipped out one by one I noticed Jesse and Danny lingering on, not unusual in itself, but coupled with the fact that Jasmine was also still hanging around it was pretty obvious they wanted to see the two of us together without the others around.

Jazz is so sweet. She knows my fragile ego needs petting from time to time. Once everyone was gone except the four of us she moved from her end of the table to sit beside me, across from Jesse and Danny. I didn’t dare touch her. I’ve learned I don’t know shit about what women want. I find it far safer to do nothing until told I can than to assume it’s okay and get reprimanded for it. Fortunately, she took the first move. She put her head on my shoulder in a way that made me want to yell, "Told ya!" Both of those two had shit-eating grins on their faces the whole time. Jesse is blunt, Danny has no couth. They’re fucking great to hang out with. It was nice to relax and finally get to commingle the two halves of my social life.

When we got up to leave I walked Jazz to her car since she parked in the dark end of the parking lot. I was just about to grab her waist when I saw Melinda, one of the assistants from work, sitting in the back of her SUV while the hatch was up.

“Melinda, what are you still doing here? I thought you left nearly an hour ago.”

She told me her car battery died so she called her husband. I had jumper cables in my truck, but I had no idea she’d been out here this whole time. I offered to help, but she assured me her husband would be there any minute. They only lived a few minutes away and she’d apparently caught him as he was getting into the shower after being at the gym. For whatever reason, he was taking much longer than he should have.

Jazz headed home and I stuck around to stand with Melinda until her husband got there. Maybe five minutes later he finally pulled in.

“What took you so long?” She was pissed. She’d been cordial with me, but the fury was unleashed when he arrived.

“I had to take a shower.”

“For 30 minutes?”

“I had to…take care of some stuff.”

I stood there awkwardly while she gasped and then suddenly all hell broke loose. “You took the time to jerk off while I was stranded out here in the dark?!”

Oh my fucking god, he didn’t… No way, he couldn’t have. But his guilty silence said it all.

She started swinging with both arms. “YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!” Punch, punch, hit, slap followed by another string of explicatives so long she could have woven a profane tapestry above our heads. She was screaming so loud people in the restaurant turned and looked out the window as she whipped his ass. “YOU FUCKING JERKED OFF WHILE I STOOD OUT HERE IN THE FREEZING DARKNESS WAITING FOR YOU!”

For the record, it was only 68 degrees, not exactly freezing. But I was damn sure not about to argue with her. Nor was I going to step in and touch another man’s wife. She’s not but a spit more than 5 feet tall and he was a big boy pushing 250 minimum and as tall as I am.

“The doctor said I have to, honey please, he said I have to! Before my next appointment!”

“YOUR NEXT APPOINTMENT IS IN DECEMBER!”

I laughed so fucking hard I couldn’t breathe. Motherfucker got snipped! Homie was tugging the sausage for medical reasons. You can't blame a brother for taking care of prescribed business! I wished him luck, declining to shake his hand for understandable reasons, and trotted my ass back to my truck before WWIII broke loose.