Sunday, November 28, 2004

Fairies and handcuffs

Think of how much simpler life would have been with a fairy. I don’t mean the kev kind of fairy, no offense buddy, I mean one that gives you snippets here and there of what’s to come.

So like you’re sitting on the can and suddenly this fairy appears, dressed as fairies dress, and says “Your first child will be born in 2005.” Then she vanishes before you have time to jerk your pants up and hope you don’t have a hanger.

Then when your girlfriend back in ’96 walks up to you and says her “special visitor” is late this month you can reply with, “You must be talking about your grandma, ‘cuz you damn sure ain’t pregnant with my kid. The fairy says.”

There’s a whole lot of shit I would have liked a heads up on. Like the total weight bearing load a magnolia tree branch can tolerate before it snaps and shoots a skinny 8 year old boy straight to the Earth as a chortling human rocket. Another piece of handy information would have been that geese can be very, very vengeful creatures if you fuck with their eggs when they are trying to hatch them. And lest we not forget how useful it might have been to know the warning against opening the bottom drawer of the armoire really had nothing at all to do with hidden Tonka trucks and Legos, but with an array of gels and gadgets that could horrify any curious young boy as he learns what kind of freaky dinkies his parents really are.

But no, no fucking fairy did any such thing. I should have gotten a damn trophy for turning out the way I did. I mentioned that to my sister last night when she came to pick up Katy. She said, “Yeah, you’re a godsend. I can’t believe they had the nerve to ask for bail every time they arrested you.”

Shut up.