Monday, December 27, 2004

Butt popped

I think my two year old niece is on crack. Don’t tell her mother, it’ll break her heart. Saturday Jazz and I kept Kadybug so that Julie could buy Dad some groceries and shit to help him stay off his feet. For the record, my old man went to work Christmas Eve. Yeah, worker’s comp until April my ass. I knew that surgeon had no fucking idea who he was messing with.

So back to the crack fiend, Julie dropped her spawn of Satan off at dawn, or perhaps 11am, but it felt like she’d been here since dawn by the time she went home at midnight, or 6pm. Whatever. I have never seen a child so argumentative, so absolutely certain about what she wants in all my life. There is no negotiating, no compromising. And that kid’s lungs are impressive at the least, fearsome at the worst.

“Kadybug, that’s Uncle Jay’s marker. Let me have it.”

As I stood there with my hand extended I saw her eyes shift to the side to see if I was going to wait for her to follow instructions.

“I see you looking at me.”

She grinned and stuck the marker behind her back, which did little to hide it considering I was standing beside her and not in front of her.

In my infinite wisdom when I finally got the marker from her through a barrage of screaming, fighting and crying (and that was mostly from me) I placed the marker on the uppermost shelf above my desk. Stupid. Two hours later I glanced around.

“Where’s Kadybug?”

Jasmine was lying limp on the sofa with a half eaten package of saltines and a washcloth. Fat lot of help she was. She shrugged and pawned off the responsibility of my niece totally onto my shoulders. Um, can you not see I’m busy playing with my new CDRW Player/Alarm Clock/Radio/Toaster oven?

Fine. Forget it. I’ll go find her.

“Kadybug, where are you at?”

“I right here!”

And right there she was. Standing on top of my desk, covered in blue marker stripes…along with my wall, shelves and cheap particle board desk. Her clothes, her hands, her legs and her arms. “What the fu…sonofa…, get down, now!”

When I reached for the marker she yanked it all over the place, dodging my hand. “Stop it! Give it here! What’s that smell?”

“I have poo poo!”

Oh, joyous day!

Everything Kadybug says is full of excitement, as if it’s the best possible news she could have delivered. I couldn’t fucking believe she climbed onto my desk and up three shelves to grab that marker. I grabbed her under her arms and whisked her colorful ass to the bathroom.

I unbuttoned the little dress Julie made such a big deal about this morning and hoped Cheer with Colorguard would erase all evidence of neglect on my part before Julie got back. “Raise your arms.”

I pulled the knob on the tub to start the water, then yanked the tabs on her diaper in time to catch a reminder whiff of the gift within. “What is that? Oh, shit! What do they feed you?”

“I eat carrots!”

Jesus, by the truckload? I picked her nasty ass up and hauled her to the kitchen and put her on her knees in the sink. “Be still, Uncle Jay’s gonna spray your hinny.”

“Spray my hinny? I eat carrots!”

No shit. After the rear end debacle, Jasmine managed to catch up with the action and offered to bathe her and try to scrub off the blue marker. I tossed her dress and little white panty hose things for babies into the washing machine with two cups of liquid Cheer and hoped for the best.

Jasmine got most of it off the blue-eyed monkey and I was ridiculously relieved to see it all gone from the dress. Once it dried I got her dressed and Jasmine refixed her hair.

“She is so bad.”

“I not bad!”

“You are, too.”

“No! I! Not!”

“And you’re pleasant, too.”

“I not peas-sant!”

“You’re so compromising.”

“I not com-pro-mining!”

“You’re such an angel.”

“I not a angel!”

Jasmine threw the hairbrush at me and told me to grow up. That’s bullshit. She started it. When Julie got there Kadybug looked like the angel that she was not. I was super uncle and nobody could prove otherwise. But Kadybug wasn’t finished with me yet. She brought me down with an innocent, toddler fart.

“Uh, oh! My butt popped!”

My sister asked her, “Do you have poo poo?”

Kadybug replied, “No, I have o-shit!”

Oh…shit. I have since been relieved of my babysitting duties after all. Thank god.