Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Female body builders make me flaccid

Occasionally during the wee hours of the morning I will catch a competition on channel 298, purely by accident. Every sinewy limb, every grotesquely distorted quad, popping bicep and broad, muscular back all displayed in 52 inches of high definition, beeyotch. It’s like a freakish combination of porn and Predator wrapped up into one painful to watch telecast. Any woman who could double as a muscle cadaver while still alive is not someone that gives me a rise. More aptly, she scares the holy bejesus out of me. At no point should I ever be able to say to my girlfriend, “Put me down!”

That aside, even the weakest of them would give me a run for my money on the machines. This year’s heavyweight champ and overall Ms. Olympia is Iris Kyle. It takes some getting used to, but after watching her flex her shit for the better part of two hours I was able to remove my hands from my face and forget that she once had breasts and functioning ovaries. My mom used to bang a broom handle in the corners outside to knock down cobwebs. Chances are good that woman’s uterus will need a good banging should she ever decide to use it, you know, as a pouch to store her protein powders in or some shit like that.

By the end of the competition, I was pretty damn certain I could take her ass on for a shameful public whooping. I’d use a roundabout kick to knock her top heavy beef carcass off balance and run like hell before she snagged me with her massive Popeye forearm and dragged me down like a steer in the rodeo, tongue extended and squealing like a bitch.

On another note, since we are avoiding the topic of my eminent fatherhood today, I found a site called BlogExplosion that’s pretty cool. It’s supposed to generate traffic to your site which it does admirably, but more importantly it has a queue of pretty interesting shit like DaTaste.com which had me rolling. I considered stealing his photos and claiming them for my own since we have the same name, but fuck it. I’m too lazy for that sort of deviance.

I was publicly scorned for this post. Not that I give a damn, but it's too funny not to mention. Be sure to read my follow up post which includes a link to the female body building website where the contrary opinion was posted.