Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Leave your mother alone

I had a word with the children this morning. My incredibly selfless idea of treating my exhausted, nauseated, bloated girlfriend to the casinos purely for her own poker enjoyment has been delayed by the humanoid leeches. They have sapped the joy from her body and replaced it with cranky irritability.

“Honey, it’s after 10. We should get on the road.”

“Bite me.”

I suspect the invite was not sincere. Obviously, it was time to show off my inborn parenting skills. I crawled on top of Jasmine and put my ear down to her belly.

“Do you mind?”

“Shh.” Why are women’s bellies always so noisy? Gurgle, gurgle, splish. I explained to the children in no uncertain terms they were to settle down in there or I would turn this uterus around and they would have to stay home. Dammit, I am their father and they’ll listen to me.

“Jay…”

She was impressed. I could tell by her tone. “Yep?”

“Get off me before I knee you.”

Yeah, 32 lovely weeks to go.