Monday, December 13, 2004

Poison Ivy

Some people just look better with duct tape across their mouths. My kid pseudo-sister-in-law is one of them. Ear to ear, baby, and stretch that shit tight so her teeth leave dents in the backside of the lips.

The phone rang tonight and I answered it. It’s my fucking phone, that’s what I do.

“What are you doing there?”

Just what I need, her. “Paying the mortgage.”

“Where is my sister?”

Abrasive little shit. “In the bedroom cleaning my ejaculate off her belly. Want me to get her?”

Silence. I am the master of barb exchanges. Don’t fuck with me.

I walked into the kitchen and dropped the phone on the island so that it clattered loudly in the little scorpion’s ear. “Your sister.”

“Be nice,” Jazz whispered to me. I had the decency to look shocked, but I knew the witch would tattle on me as soon as Jasmine said hello.

That’s a bunch of monkey shit, right there. Be nice, my ass. To her? She’s a spoiled, loud-mouthed, vain, I’m-gonna-be-an-actress/model/celebrity someday, waste of amalgam tooth fillings. It is beyond me how she can be from the same set of parents as Jasmine, who in case you haven’t noticed is not only full of grace and poise, but she likes my tight, little ass and that right there is her most endearing quality.

After a half hour or so Jazz came into the living room where I was lying on the couch, sulking. I bent my knees before she sat on my feet and waited for the eminent reprimanding.

“You told her I was wiping off cum when she called?”

“No.” For one quick second Jazz looked hopeful. “I said ‘ejaculate.’” Hope shattered.

Needless to say I have been banned from answering my own phone for the time being. You know, the one I paid $200 for last year? Yeah, can’t touch it. And lucky me, the plans were made as to what time we would be driving in this Friday to spend the whole, glorious weekend with Poison Ivy and her fiancé in their new home. I think I’ll bang her older sister in a couple of the rooms while I’m there as a silent revenge.

Then again, we’re going over there to share the joyous news. Now that brings a smile to my face. Ah, it's great to be family. Suddenly, I can't wait.