Thursday, December 16, 2004

The rules have changed

Hey, why the hell didn’t somebody warn me about some of the bullshit rule changes that occur when a woman moves in? You fucking bastards, you knew! You all fucking knew! Show me a goddamn handbook for proper toilet seat etiquette. If the rule was “Lid down when you’re done” I could understand that. Why is there a lid in the first place? There’s a damn ½ inch gap all the way around the bottom of the seat, what good does it do to top it off? But why is it necessary to put the damn seat down? I’ll be right back here in two hours, shit. We have two bathrooms. Go girlify the other one and leave this one the hell alone.

That’s monkey crap right there. Any woman who drops her panties and sticks her naked ass somewhere without looking deserves a coochie dunk in an icy cold basin. Do you not check the surroundings before you release the crotch monkey to play with the undergrowth outdoors? Hell yes! Shit, you probably sweep the area clear even, just to be sure you don’t find yourself with a pair of fang marks in your left cheek and up shit creek when you can’t find anybody to suck the venom out your ignorant ass. If it means that much to you, look before you sit. What if the tables were turned? Do you think I could get away with pissing all over the seat because I forgot to look before I whipped out the hose and started spraying the son of a bitch down?

I’ll tell you something else, I don’t need my toilet paper on a spinning spool. It was doing just fine on the side of the bath tub. Always within arm’s reach and a quick, dust-free dispensing.

And don’t get me started on the curtains that cover up my front B speaker on the surround system.