Friday, December 17, 2004

Stick it where the sun doesn't shine

We have a tradition here in the office. We all buy gifts for the ladies. All of them. Not just our own sales assistants, but also the ladies in the cage as well as female management. We’re pretty clearly divided here in this office. The women run the operations side, the men run the books. The women, in turn, will usually get small gifts for the brokers they work directly for and also for each other.

This year I grabbed a box from the copy room and put it under my desk. As each lady delivered her gift this week I thanked her and dropped it in the box. Next week I will take the box to Julie’s house and “Viola!” instant Christmas gift. Since I don’t even bother to take the “To Jay” name tags off of them it’s pretty easy to figure out where I did my Christmas shopping. My sister expects no more of me and I enjoy this low standard I’ve set for myself.

Well, as it turns out, Jasmine found the box of gifts beneath my desk here at work. It’s none of your fucking business how she found it so don’t fucking ask.

“Are these your Christmas gifts from us?”

“Yep.”

“Why haven’t you unwrapped any of them?”

And a split second before my mouth opened I hesitated. Oh shit. Have I ever regifted Jasmine’s gifts? I’ve been doing this for years and I know she’s been here roughly three years. Son of a bitch, she’s gonna rip me a new one.

“I, um, those are the ones that I…” Quit staring at me! If I say I’m going to open them later she’ll expect me to and then what the fuck do I do about Julie’s gift this year? Shop? Fuck that. Have you seen the Wally-Mart masses out there? I think they sacrificed a plastic reindeer last night as a gift to their wholesale shopping gods. No way in hell do I want to be caught up in that mess. “Well, Julie-“

“You’re regifting our gifts?!”

“Shhhh!” Jesus, woman, what in the hell is she trying to do to me? Sarah’s sitting right fucking there for Christ’s sake! “No! I’m putting aside one or two.”

She yanked the box out and pointed at each package as she silently counted them. “There are a dozen gifts in here, Jay. Did you even look at mine?”

Fuck…me. Ah hell, this is gonna hurt. Each morning this week I came in to find a stack of three or four gifts on my desk, all cutely wrapped with ribbons and bows and fancy tags and I just swept them off into the receptacle below and shoved them all under my desk.

“I…yes, I looked at it.”

She stood up straight and crossed her arms. “What did I get you?”

My wheels spun for all of five seconds as I tried to recall seeing her wrap any gifts this week so that I could guess and save my worthless soul. Nothing came to mind, not one damn thing. I don’t remember her shopping, wrapping or toting anything in this week.

Wait one damn second. She hasn’t fucking bought anything! She said so yesterday morning when I was half assed paying attention to her on the drive in. That’s bullshit! That’s fucking entrapment!!

And that’s when I recalled the ink pen. She gave it to me last year. It wasn’t wrapped, just had a ribbon tied around it. I kept it because I had dirty fantasies about putting it some place I never thought I’d have the pleasure of being myself. I won’t lie, in my dirty mindedness I even sniffed the pen once just in case she’d put it there herself and was sending me a secret message. Where the fuck is that pen?

Ah, ha! Top left drawer, right where she’s standing. The arrogance oozed from my orifices as I brushed her back with a flick of my hand. I pulled open the drawer and grabbed the ink pen, holding it like a mighty staff above my head. “Nothing this year, but you gave me this last year.”

Hark! The herald angels sing! The sky broke apart and the sun shone down on me as her mouth dropped open and a chorus of Hallelujah went off in my head. Try to trick me, you sneaky incubator of my genes, and you get what’s coming to you. “Now get out of my office before I throw you down on my desk and make a scene.”

She grinned but was speechless. That’s right. I am the man! She walked out and returned to her desk, arms still folded. I glanced at the pen, savior of my hide, and thanked the porn gods for making me such a nasty fuck. And just in case something might have changed, I sniffed it again before putting it back. Damn. Still nothing.