Sunday, January 09, 2005

Are the green M&M's a vegetable?

I made the foolish offer of changing my diet along with Jasmine to support her while she’s pregnant. I thought, sure, I can eat chicken breast and broccoli instead of buffalo wings and onion rings. No problem. I can lay off alcohol and desserts for a while. And when I discovered my red coffee canister of Folger’s Hazelnut replaced with a big green one, I kindly said not one word about the total waste of electricity, water and a good ceramic mug to ingest that hot, brown, useless ass-water. But last night, she crossed the line.

“Where are my M&M’s?” I have a cabinet over the dishwasher specifically for all my necessities. M&M’s, beef jerky, nuts and cookies.

“I gave them to Juicy.”

What?! “Does Juicy look like he needs my M&M’s?” The neighbor’s kid has bonded with Jasmine. Who the fuck hasn’t? People who’ve never spoken one damn word to my ass in the six years that I’ve lived here suddenly crawled out from beneath their rocks last month to introduce themselves to Jasmine. Great, lovely, so that’s just a big Fuck You to me, huh? Give me back my damn M&M’s.

I was reminded that M&M’s are not on OUR diet. They are full of empty calories. They raise the blood sugar and accelerate the aging process. They encourage unhealthy carb binges and besides that, they’re marketing plan is a fluke because they absolutely DO melt in the hand. But that’s why I like them! Was she really trying to argue against them with all those reasons?

“You need more green in your diet.”

“There are green M&M’s!”

“That’s not roughage.”

Oh, shit. Here we go with the roughage again. “I spent all damn week on the can thanks to your raw celery, apples and…whatever that flaxative shit was Wednesday night that raced through me like a quarter horse after the shot.”

I question her compassion. INFP my ass. She obviously did not feel my pain. Needless to say, the M&M’s will not be invited back into the house. This pregnancy is going to kill me.

On a new note, for those of you who have been following Savannah’s ordeal, there is a Paypal link below her photo for charitable, tax-deductible contributions. I will match dollar for dollar every donation made to her family between the time of this posting and midnight Friday night (central time), January 14th, 2004. Don’t tell me you ain’t got it, you cheap fucks, that’s pay day and I damn well know it.

Add one penny to your donation so that it can be quickly singled out for matching, hence $5.01. I’ll write a summary post next week with the total. You will need to email me if you want your name mentioned, otherwise I won't know who donated. I will only ask the family for a dollar amount. Every dollar counts, even if it’s just a dollar. Come on. Hurt me.

And last, but not least, don't forget to whore me.