Friday, January 28, 2005

Playing catch up with old posts

I had some posts sitting in draft that I never published. This one is from my wedding morning. Here’s what I had to say before the overwhelming nausea hit:

January 14th, 2005 - 7:55am

This morning I woke up, took a leak, scratched my sack, sniffed my underarms and then it hit me. Oh fuck, I’m getting married today. All of the warmth in my body evaporated as the blood pooled at my ankles. I looked back into the bedroom and saw Jasmine lying in bed, staring out the window. Was she planning her getaway? She ought to be. She’s damn sure getting the short end of the stick. Does she know I’m deathly afraid of cockroaches? Ewhwehehewhehew, those little bastards give me the chills.

Is there anything I don’t know about her? Her eyes are hazel, a correction she made when I mistakenly referred to them as green with brown flecks of shit in them. Don’t see the difference. Her middle name is Rayne which has been the middle name of every first born daughter in her family for 6 generations. Her shoe size is large, fucking large. She likes her unleaded-pretend-coffee with cream, no sugar. She wants 2 kids. Check. She’d rather live in the suburbs. Check. She likes dogs, hates cats. She’s a conservative democrat but definitely not a liberal republican. Yeah, that’s what I said. She doesn’t take shit, but she’s so classy about it you never realize she’s not taking your shit until there’s egg all over your face. She doesn’t like sweets. Her real mom OD’d when she was 9. She thinks beauty pageants are for the intellectually disabled. Amen. She detests abortion, but supports the death penalty. You go, girl. She’s a Texan, born and raised. That right there is a prerequisite. What the hell did I do to deserve her? Or better yet, who did she screw over in life to deserve me? Karma’s a motherfucker.

I don’t know everything about her. That’s a good thing. How boring would that be to know someone inside and out from the get-go and have nothing at all to look forward to? But I know she complements me. I’ve heard opposites attract but don’t last. I don’t think we’re opposite, really. If you sliced a jagged tear down the center of a painting, sure the pieces would mirror each other and technically be opposites, but aren’t they both part of the same big picture? A picture that doesn’t mean as much with one half missing?

Now I’m rambling. She’s doing God knows what in the bathroom right now. I feel like I’m in the eye of the storm. Two miles in either direction and all hell will break lose. It’s like standing in the center of the merry-go-round. As long as you’re in the dead center and you maintain that control, you’ll be fine. Step out of bounds and the centrifugal force will sling your ass in an embarrassing blur of arms and legs to land in a heap in the grass while your niece’s toddler friends point and giggle.

Coffee. I need coffee. I got my reloadable Starbucks Shareholder card in the mail. I think those things are stupid, yet I feel compelled to impress the 17 year old ball-less wonder behind the register with my fancy “I own a piece of you” green coffee cherry card. It came with $3.50 already on it. Lucky me. I bought Starbucks when it was at $31 around January last year. I just had a feeling. Nowadays I’ve got a damn good feeling. Wish I’d bought more, but no reason to get greedy and I never break my own rules, especially in my own accounts. Gotta stay balanced.

Damn I wish I had asked her out when she first hired on. I’m such a pussy. At least I mentioned her to Mom once. I told Mom my ex was raising hell about me flirting with a lady at the office. Mom asked if I was guilty of flirting. I didn’t answer, just smiled. Mom asked if it was worth the ensuing fight with my ex. I kept smiling. She patted my cheek and told me I reap what I sow. That was an understatement.

Lo and behold it’s my turn in the bathroom!