Wednesday, January 05, 2005


ARIES – Someone at the office is trying to ram you from behind. Get a jump on the bastard, slip some crack in his desk and make an anonymous tip to the police. Watch your back in 4-6 months when he gets out. He’ll probably fuck you up in a back alley somewhere, but you had it coming, asshole.

TAURUS – Could you be any sexier? That sweet little ass can get you in trouble. Mind your own business and seek privacy before picking your underwear out from between your cheeks. People are watching, you nasty. Go wash your hands.

GEMINI – It is your destiny to be in the history books. Unfortunately, it’s via a poorly thought out plan to assassinate Barry Manilow with a rubber chicken. Stop yourself now. We understand why and we applaud your reasons, but for the sake of your imprisoned anus you must forego these ridiculous plans.

CANCER – You will be killed by savage geese next week. Live it up.

LEO – You are destined to be “big-boned.” Don’t hate yourself. You can’t fight destiny. Go have a cheeseburger in paradise and wallow in your enviable state of obesity. Set your goals high, maybe 900 pounds. Make the most of yourself. Literally.

VIRGO – Nobody likes you.

LIBRA – Blessed Libra. You are the anointed one. Your wisdom and charm surpass your magnificent beauty. Yet a creature lives within you. (Two creatures, in some cases.) Don’t let it corrupt you and fade your beauty. Fight the darkness, strong Libra. Fight! And if you can not, run like hell.

SCORPIO – Your scathing nature betrays your innocence and purity. Your sharp tongue belies the truth behind your gentleness. Your stinging nettles prevent others from getting close to you. You must struggle against these demonic urges to inflict pain. Avoid instinct, deny your – ah hell, go play with Virgo.

SAGITTARIUS – Oh, mighty warrior! You are the constellation known as Sukumydik. You take no shit and leave no prisoners in your wake, only death and destruction and sometimes a little urine if the need arose. Your need to protect supersedes your need to nurture. You’ll never get laid.

CAPRICORN – Arrogance is your weakness. Don’t fall prey to your own conceit. You want to be the best at all costs, to have the best and take possession of the best, but you don’t know when to quit. Avoid temptation before you get someone shot.

AQUARIUS – You are in love. Doesn’t it feel good? Sit, breathe, enjoy the euphoria. Not everyone gets to experience such a natural high. When you get home you’ll find that cocksucker banging your best friend on your kitchen island. Don’t worry, we’ll be here in 10-12 when you get out on your assault charge.

PISCES – I told you not to fuck that Capricorn. You never fucking listen. Buckshot in the ass doesn’t feel good, does it?

Have you VOTED for your favorite whore today?