Thursday, February 03, 2005

The Boogey Man

I scared the piss out of Jasmine today. I never laughed so hard. The OnStar system doubles as a satellite phone. It’s actually really handy. If you can see the sky, you’ve got a signal. To activate it you hit a button on the rear view mirror. The odometer display changes to “PHONE” and the radio automatically shuts off since the car speakers double as a giant in-stereo speakerphone. To dial out you say, “Dial” and speak the person’s name you want to call from your speed dial list. A very pleasant sounding woman replies with “Dialing” and you’re hooked up. Other than pressing the first button, it’s entirely hands free.

Since I park on the third floor of the parking garage, I usually go out first after work and drive back down to get Jasmine at the front door when it’s really cold. She was taking unnecessarily long today so in my boredom I rang up Jason who was still at work.

Jason: This is Jason.
Me: Hey, man, do me a favor.
Jason: Another hooker?
Me: Not this time. Fuck with Jasmine.
Jason (laughing): Love to. How?

Just as I was wrapping up my instructions to Jason I saw Jasmine walk out, Sarah yapping away at her. She looked at me, rolled her eyes, then looked back at Sarah and brushed her off somehow.

She got in the car and immediately started in on work.

“…so, she went through the things on my desk like I had it and was hiding it from her. Has she lost her mind? If I step foot in her office when she’s not around it’s time to request video footage. And why would I lie about not having it? I swear, I come home so worked up sometimes because of that woman. You wanna know why I’m hardly ever in the mood for sex anymore it’s probably because of that wom-”

“Woah, woah, there, honey! Hard right, hang on. I need a coke.” I whipped into the driveway of the Stop & Rob and parked out front. “Want anything?”

“Her head on a platter.”

I winked at her. “So a Yoohoo, then?” I’ve never seen a woman so crazy about chocolate flavored water.

I ran to the door and once inside quickly grabbed two drinks out of the case and got in line. Outside, I could see Jasmine sitting peacefully in the truck, her head back against the headrest and her eyes closed. I couldn’t help but snicker.

Suddenly she screamed, bolted upright, ducked, spun around to look in the back seat, then jumped out of the truck and ran 10 feet away from it, panicked with eyes as big as dinner plates and her chest heaving beneath her hands. I dropped my coke I was laughing so hard. I couldn’t even stand up straight. My face was red and I couldn’t breathe, doubled over and pointing at her. She finally looked inside the store, gulping big breaths, and put it together.

I paid the clerk and walked outside. “What’s the matter, honey? Something startle you?”

“You sorry pile of shit! Was he listening the whole time?”

Ah, yes, that’s my lovely wife. What a lady, huh? I gave her a big hug and a kiss and we got back in the truck.

“Jason, you still there?”

His laugh resonated from the doors and dashboard. “Yeah. Hey, Jasmine, it was his idea. I’m sorry if I scared you too bad.”

She forgave him, but backhanded me in the gut.

“Man, don’t apologize to her. It was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. I’ll tell you about it later.”

“Glad I could help. And hey, what was she saying about your sex life? You told me-”

“OnStar, disconnect.”