Wednesday, February 23, 2005

The slaughtering of Jayday

I finally got my hands on a copy of Collateral which I’d been wanting to see. I missed it at the theaters. But apparently fondling the jacket was about as far as I was going to get. I was plagued with intruders.

Me: Hello?
Julie: What are you doing?
Me: Having sex.
Julie: Must be by yourself. Your wife just called me from her cell phone.
Me: Doesn’t change the facts. What do you want?
Julie: Can you watch Katy Saturday?
Me: No.
Julie: Good. I’ll bring her over about 10.
Me: I’m busy.
Julie: That’s not what your wife said.
Me: She’s a pathological liar.
Julie: Fine by me. See you Saturday.
Me: Later.

I open the DVD case. Phone rings again.

Me: Hello?
Dad: What’s up?
Me: Trying to watch a movie before Jasmine gets home.
Dad: Porn?
Me: I wish. Collateral.
Dad: It was shit.
Me: Great, thanks. What do you want?
Dad: Just called to shoot the shit.
Me: Seriously, you need to get out of that cast.
Dad: Why?
Me: You’re calling too often. Get back to work, you lazy sack of shit.
Dad: (Laughs) We’re going up to the sticks Saturday. Wanna go?
Me: Damn, wish I could. I’m watching Katy.
Dad: (Laughs again) Your sister’s going.
Me: Get the fuck out!
Dad: Get back to your porn.
Me: Later.

I put the DVD into the player and changed the TV to video. I got almost to the menu when the phone rang again. Motherfuck!

Me: WHAT?
Jason: Damn, bro, what crawled up your ass?
Me: I’m trying to watch a movie before Jasmine gets home.
Jason: Porn?
Me: What do you want?
Jason: Wanna go kick the rock?
Me: Nah, man. I gotta return this by noon tomorrow. How about Thursday?
Jason: No good. Saturday?
Me: Babysitting. Sunday?
Jason: That’s cool. Don’t grab my ass again.
Me: How can I resist?

I hit play, tossed the phone down to the other end of the sofa, kicked back and settled in to finally watch my movie. That’s when the front door opened.

“Hi, honey. Can you help me bring all this stuff in? I can’t wait to show you all the cute little outfits!”

Just. Fucking. Great.