Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Babies are marketing gimmicks

The office is throwing Jasmine a baby shower which means we had to go together to register. That’s exactly how I wanted to spend my time after work. Yes, dear, those most certainly are the cutest little socks I’ve ever seen. Oh my god, you’re right, we absolutely do need the Eddie Bauer faux leather trimmed car seats. Isn’t faux leather one of the safest materials known to mankind? I think so! There’s a reason the word “retardant” is written on the box and it has nothing to do with flames.

I grumbled, moaned, balked, sighed and exhaled loudly in case she missed everything before it. I was willing to fake severe abdominal pains with a side of constipation when she backed me up against an end cap of baby blankets and shoved the zapper in my hand. You mean…I get to do it? Hot damn! Hang onto your ass, honey. I’m driving this bad boy now.

Zap. Zap. “Hey, honey, you see this? It’s one of those tiddy suckers for when your milk comes in. Moo.” Zap.

“Oh, snap, check it out! They’re nipple bumpers so it doesn’t hurt when the kids start gnawing on your boobages there. You need these.” Zap.

“Baby monitor with a video camera. Need it.” Zap. “Potty chair.” Zap. “Baby luggage. Need two.” Zap, zap. “Hey, honey, you want me to hook you up with this tiny hinny cream, you know for rashes and shit…and shitty rashes?” Zap. Just in case.

“Daaaamn! What’s that?” It was circular like a chair for babies but with shit attached all over it like a playground for the immobile. “Just because I love you, I’ll hook you up with two.” Zap, zap. “And this miniature bed swing.” Zap. “Plus these clothes. Socks. Bibs. Diapers, lots of diapers. Sony headphones. Mini DVD player. New laptop. Faux leather belt in a 32” to go with the faux leather car seats. Baby doll, you need anything? New shirt, shoes, tampons?” Zap, zap, zap, zap, zap, zap, zap. “You just say the word.”

Thirteen minutes later we took our zapper back to the baby lady and she printed off the trophy sheet. It was six pages long. This registering shit is great. Can’t wait till the shower.