Monday, March 07, 2005

Too much time to ponder

After Ray died I started questioning my mortality. He didn’t commit suicide by Webster’s definition, but in essence he initially performed something that killed him. Then again, if we look at it that literally then everybody who is overweight is committing a form of suicide whenever they get that second plate of food, or everyone with high blood pressure is committing suicide whenever they heap on the good ole sodium chloride just to end up in a coffin at the ripe old age of 48. So I guess in that way he was as guilty as the rest of us. He was just successfuly sooner.

I think I eat right, I run about 35 miles a week, I maintain a positive outlook. Essentially, I don’t believe I’m committing suicide. But if those who say we leave this Earth when our job here is done are right, then why not live it up? Why not smoke, drink, weigh 600 lbs and suck the salt straight from the shaker?

I remember using a blade to clean sap off my old man’s truck windshield when I was 16 and pausing to look at the blade. Would it hurt if I sliced my wrist? Probably not much. What would it feel like once the blood started to spurt out? Cold, maybe. Perhaps I’d panic and try to stop it. Is that what Terrell was thinking when he jumped from the Rainbow Bridge back in ’89, panic? It was an unsurvivable leap. So if he changed his mind half way down did the fear numb him to impact?

Hell, sometimes I just think about stupid shit I guess. Jasmine took her own car to work this morning so I had nobody to talk my ear off on the way in to work. I’ll have to make sure she doesn’t do that again.