Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Arachnaphobia

First, on the “The End” post, it was obviously an April Fool’s joke. Gooch actually picked up on it and left a second comment right out of the gate about it being a joke. He was fucking up my mojo so I deleted it before anyone else saw it. Sorry, buddy.

Second, it was fucking killing me not to comment on Friday. There was some smack talk I’d love to go back and delve into, but alas, the moment has passed and I’m not the backwards looking type of fella.

Third, for all of y’all that were happy about my departure, lick my left nut and tickle the right.

Now back to our regularly scheduled program.

Julie dropped Kadybug off tonight so she could go shopping for a backyard swing set for her birthday next month. Jasmine was busy lying on her back with her “hooves” in the air to bring down the imaginary swelling so I had Katy follow me around the house while I took care of some odds and ends, you know, the manly deeds.

We went into the garage and drug a table beneath the light unit for the garage opener. The bulb had burned out and no longer came on when there was motion anymore causing my spoiled ass to have to flip a switch whenever I wanted light. I don’t think so.

So I’m standing on the table, rescrewing the screwables when I slip and the screw bounces off my forehead and hits the garage floor. I glance down to see it at what might as well have been a mile away because I was stuck holding up the loose end of the light cover.

“Hey, Kadybug, sweetie, can you pick up Uncle Jay’s screw?”

“Uh huh!”

“It’s right there. See it? Look at Uncle Jay’s finger. No, baby, look at me. Katy, look at me! There, see my finger, see where I’m pointing?”

“Uh huh!”

“Get it, sweetie! Get it! See it? Hurry, get it!”

Right at that moment I hear her majesty chime in from the door to the house. “Spider?”

Oh, that’s fucking it. “Yes. Yes, a big, poisonous black widow and I’m trying to convince a three year old to kill it before it gets me. Go back in the house and watch your 25 catty women fight over one odd looking bachelor.”

Like I need her bullshit. Katy handed me the screw and I put it back in place then jumped down. Just as I did I swear to you a spider the size of my motherfucking left butt cheek scrambled out into the middle of the garage, hate in its eyes. I was caught off guard by the viciousness of it, the monstrous fangs dripping with venom and blood from its last victim, probably Juicy from next door. I jumped out of the way right before Kadybug rushed in and with her tiny toddler foot she creamed it in one blow.

“Hoo-ah! Look, Uncle Day, I kill it!”

It must have been as big as her leg. It was wheezing and gasping for air when Katy giggled and stomped it again, completely obliterating it into a wet pool of goo running down the pavement.

"Sweet jesus." I picked her up to take her inside before its peers came back for the body. "Kadybug?"

"Uh-huh?"

"Let's not tell Aunt Jasmine, ok?"

"Ok."

That was a close one.

Three feet inside the door Katy yells out, "Aunt Dazz, I kill a biter!"

We need to work on her comprehension skills.