Thursday, April 21, 2005

Not this time

Julie came over tonight. I haven’t had much to say to her since April 9th. Not even when we picked up Kadybug last weekend. I stayed outside in the truck and sent Jasmine in for her.

“You’re not getting out?”

I couldn’t even answer. Just shook my head.

“Jay, don’t do this to her.”

I’m not doing anything to her. I just can’t talk to her yet. I can’t. I want to. Eventually.

But I guess Julie had had enough. She impressed me when she showed up at our house tonight. When I opened the door and saw her standing there it was really hard for me not to hug her. I’m just so pissed off, still.

“We need to talk about this.”

“No we don’t.”

“Stop being a baby.”

“Fuck you.”

Jazz pushed me out of the way so Julie could come inside. I’m glad they’re close. I’m glad Julie has her.

I stood at the door for a minute contemplating whether I should stay or get in the truck and leave. Yeah, I’m a pussy. A pussy so big I didn’t even have the nerve to do it. Instead I walked to the end of the entry hall and just stood there with my hands on my hips. Julie’s back was to me as Jazz hugged her, giving me that reprimanding look of hers.

“Hold your arm above your head, sweetie.”

Julie did as she was told and Jasmine felt of her breast. “Does that hurt?”

“No.”

“Any discharge?”

“None.”

When Jasmine’s eyes lifted to look at me over Julie’s shoulders my heart sank and the anger I’d been holding onto for the past week and half just slipped away. Julie turned to look over her shoulder at me and I couldn’t even keep eye contact.

My mind went blank. No denials, no anger, no response to anything at all. Just blank. I didn’t want to think about the now-whats or the what-ifs. Or even tomorrow. Fuck tomorrow. And goddammit, fuck cancer.

Shit. I hate this. I'm so tired of it. Dammit, that's my sister.

“Come here.”

And I stood there, hugging her, as she cried. Something I should have done a week and a half ago. I could only think of one thing to say and I repeated it over and over again, for my sake as much as hers.

“You’re not Mom.”