Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Snip

My to-do list is so damn long I could use it to wipe my ass for the next three weeks and still have a few ply left to pick my nose. Change light bulbs, paint rooms, go through all my shit in the closets, clean out the attic before it hits 125 degrees up there, redo the kitchen countertops, plant her damn crape myrtles and jasmines, get the sofa steamed, clear out the garage (what the fuck for?), rip up the parquet and replace with ceramic tile, refinish the deck, replace all of the switch plates (because what, they wear out?), and throw away everything I’ve collected over the years that takes up more than 12 square inches of space.

I’m fucking tired. It’s those kids’ fault. I told her I had an emergency tonight, had to go see Jason. We went up to the gym and shot some hoops for an hour while I whined and he laughed at me with his “I told you so” bullshit. Easy for him to say. He’s only got one kid and his wife’s too pleased with her figure to change that. Meanwhile, mine is at home incubating her own farm and talking about bigger houses in case we have another.

“Another?”

I snagged the ball from Jason and we exchanged glances.

“You know what you gotta do, huh?”

“Fuck you, man.”

Jason’s not but 5’9”. He slips by a lot easier than I can around him. He stole the ball back and we trotted back to the board. I already knew his plot and I wasn’t interested.

“It’s perfect. Think about it.” He shot and missed. He sucks. I caught the rebound and put it in. I’m the man. Little shit robbed me of my glory though, just kept talking. “Gotta get’em snipped. But don’t tell her.” He elbowed me. “You could spend years trying 6 days a week before she gave up. Years, bro.”

When I got home Jasmine started giving me the frisky eyes, big belly and all. Suddenly, Jason’s plan wasn’t so irrational.