Friday, May 13, 2005

eHarmony Lovechild Arrives

Well, the little shit finally popped out. Jones’ eHarmony wife squeezed out a 7 pound something or other screaming, shitting, sucking little ham last week. Jones is happy. He is, dammit. He keeps saying that over and over again, like I’m the one he needs to convince. He ought to be happy. She loves the fuck out of him, the fat bastard.

He was complaining a few weeks ago that his new, petite little wife was creeping up on 200 lbs. I think that set Jasmine off because she was walking by when she said, “Been a long time since you saw 200 lbs.”

He replied back with, “I’m a man.”

To which she retorted after she passed by, “Honey, you’re a man and a half.”

Fuck Jones. I was laughing. He turned to me and said, “You need to shorten her leash.”

“Hell no, she’ll turn that shit on me.”

So today I got an email from him with photos of the little lovechild. The women oohed and ahhed, but hell, it’s a baby. They’re no fun until they get to be 2 or 3 years old and there ain’t nothing cute about an animal that can be held upright and be oblivious to the hiccup that just induced a half cup of vomit to gush from his mouth and splatter onto the floor. Oh yeah, fucking adorable. Yum.

Happy Friday the 13th. Jasmine’s been having those Braxton contractions. I told her to cross her legs and suck it in. I’m not finished being ‘Just Jay’ yet. I’ll let her know when I’m ready. Until then, cut that shit out.