Thursday, May 05, 2005

Erectile dysfunctional conversation:

Julie: Hello?
Me: Have you heard from the doctor yet?
Julie: Aw, are you worried about your big sister?
Me: No, stupid, I’m worried I’ll get stuck with your kid.
Julie: Admit it, you’re worried about me.
Me: I haven’t had a hard-on in a week because of worrying about it all.
Julie: Oh, my God! You’re nasty! Shut up! I don’t wanna hear about your boner! Bleh!
Me: Were you not listening? It’s a non-boner. I’m not ready for parenthood, let alone a half a six-pack. I don’t care about you.
Julie: I can’t believe you said boner. You’re so disgusting. Don’t you have a wife to share your problems with?
Me: No. She thinks I’m the man.
Julie: Oh, my dear Bubba, she soooo does not think you’re the man.
Me: What did she say?
Julie: I don’t have to tell you anything.
Me: Did she say something about…anything?
Julie: Don’t you hate that sinking feeling? You know, like when your whole body goes…limp?

I dropped the phone and stuck my head out my door. Jasmine glanced at me.

“Pick up my line, please.”

Jasmine: This is Jasmine.
Julie: Hey! It’s-
Me: Shut up, Julie.
Jasmine: Hi Julie! Have you heard from-
Me: What did you tell Julie about me?
Jasmine: I beg your pardon?
Julie: Leave her alone, Jay.
Me: Did you tell Julie I couldn’t get it up?
….lengthy pause….
Jasmine: No.
Me: Bullshit.
Julie: God, Jay, you’re such an asshole!
Jasmine: What’s going on?
Julie: If you would just calm down for a minute-
Me: Did you tell her-
Julie: Jay!
Jasmine: Jay, I didn’t say anything! I promise!
Julie: Would you leave her alone? I was screwing with you!
….lengthy pause….
Me: What?
Julie: You’re the one who told me, dumbass. I was kidding. It’s flat out disgusting to me, but your wife happens to think you are the man. But I haven’t given up hope. Someday, she’ll come around.
….lengthy pause….
Me: Oh.
Jasmine: I swear, Jay. Julie, have you heard from the doctor?
Julie: Just got off the phone with him. It’s benign.
Me: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that?
Julie: Because you brought your non-boner into the conversation.
Jasmine: You called your sister and told her about that?
Julie: Oh my God, he was telling the truth?! I thought he was just trying to gross me out!
Jasmine (laughing): How does that foot taste, sweetie?
Me: I gotta go.