Thursday, June 02, 2005

The cow uterus

Does it make me pathetic to say I’ve missed your sorry asses? On the flip side, I had the most productive non-fee month of my career without the obsessive blogging. Most of my accounts are managed so they pay a flat fee every quarter to have some big-balled manager play the market with their life savings, and I get a cut. This means I get to lean back in my chair with my feet on the desk and my dick in my hands and listen to the ch-ching as the bank comes pouring down around me. But in the off months, Feb/Mar, May/June, Aug/Sep & Nov/Dec it’s fucking poverty. Well, by my standards. I’m the man no matter what and you can’t prove otherwise so shut the fuck up and be in awe of me.

So here I was in the month of May, pissing my pants because my wife decided about four weeks ago she wants a tight little SUV and a 5-acre lot out at Saddle Creek which just opened for construction. Oh, shit. The SUV isn’t so bad. But the five acres lakeside are as much as our house we’re in right now and they’re cloaked in a fucking forest that will have to be cleared before building could even begin.

I told her to take a deep breath…and hold it until she passed out and hit her head. Then maybe when she came to this crazy talk would be behind us. I’d love to have enough land to put some livestock on. But livestock require tending and I’m too fucking lazy for that. Then I’d have to build a barn, hire a stable hand to take care of the horses and the next thing you know I’ve blown my entire wad and suddenly I’m in debt with a family of four, a giant house, five acres of land, an SUV with a pedigree, three goats, six cows, two horses and a stable boy who wants to grow up some day to be just like me. Who the fuck needs that kind of pressure in his life?

The land is a no for today. Saddle Creek ain’t going nowhere. Maybe we’ll do it this winter after I get Jasmine’s tubes tied before she can cause any more damage with those shotgun ovaries of hers throwing out eggs in every direction. Jesus, what if she has a third ovary we don’t know about? I’d be so fucked.

Back to my point with the productive month, it appears when I eliminate a large portion of my blogging time it’s actually worth quite a sum of cash to me. I’m a whore. Pay me, bitch, and I’m yours for the night. Or the month of May, as it turns out. Even got a good ole ‘attaboy from the prick I fondly call “Yes, Sir” who holds my balls/career in his hands. (Takes both hands, I have monstrous balls.)

Memorial Day weekend we went to some friends’ house who threw a 90’s party. I realized how old I am. They have an 11 year old who was gone for the night so we hooked up her insanely expensive karaoke machine to the television and fought for custody of the two microphones. Jasmine didn’t get off the couch much but she had a great time.

She’s miserable. A few days ago I asked if I could take her picture but she said she'd rather slide her entire arm into a cow's uterus than have her photo taken at this size. That sounded like a solid "no" to me so I left it at that. Then tonight I found this on the camera. She better have washed her hands when she finished with that cow.