Friday, July 08, 2005

Just a quiet morning in hell

Olivia’s had her bottle. Ben’s had his bath. Both kids are swinging in synch side-by-side. We’re seconds from Mr. Sandman. Momma’s in bed asleep. Daddy’s about to sit his ass down in this here recliner, kick up the foot rest, and have himself a little power nap.

Oh yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. Foot rest up, there it is. Now we’re talking. It’s all about Jay right now, baby. Just me and my eyelids – Shit!

Shh, shh, shh! Don’t cry, don’t do it. Quiet down. Look at your brother. See how good he’s being? Where’s your binky. Here, here. Open up. There you go. Nice binky. Good girl.

Daddy’s just gonna go sit down over here in his comfy chair, ok? You just close your eyes and – well what the hell did you spit it out for? Don’t cry, why are you crying? You spit it out! Ok, ok, here. Here it is. See? Yeah. Now you’re fine.

Daddy’s just gonna crank this puppy up a notch and get you swinging good. Where’s the button for – how the fuck do you – well, shit. What’s this button do? Woah, that’s fast! AH, SHIT! Face plant!

Oh my god, oh my god, are you broken? Did that hurt? Daddy’s so sorry, baby. Come here. Shh, shh, shh, you’re ok. See, no blood. You won’t remember a thing five minutes from now so let’s not tell your mother.

Back in the swing, there you go. Seatbelt. We don’t wanna make that mistake again. Take your binky. Good girl. Let’s try something with fewer RPMs this time, shall we?

All right. You just close your eyes and enjoy the ride. Daddy will be right here in his big chair thinking about you. Perfect. Footrest up. Reclined back. Eyes closed.

(clock tic tocs)

Are they ok?

Oh good, she’s asleep. Just like her – what in the hell are you doing awake? Look at your sister over there being good. Go back to sleep. It’s not time – what the – ah, hell! Did you just shit your pants? Damn, son!

Great. Just fucking great. Look at this. Do you see what you did? You’ve got mustard squishing out your britches. Would you – stop pushing! Don’t you see the pamper has exceeded maximum capacity?

Come on, let’s go. Watch your head, watch your – ouch, did that hurt? Daddy’s so sorry. Uh oh, it’s gonna drip! Eww. Let’s go get this changed. Why didn’t you do this before your bath, huh?

Uhewehuhehwuh. That’s just foul, son. Lie still. Stop kicking or you’re gonna get your heel in the, shit! I’m not changing those socks again. You’re just gonna have to go barefooted.

Ok, here we go. Cracks are clean. All of them. Now we need…damn, son. Do you know what your mother would do if I laid on my back and pissed all over the place like that? How do you get it to be so…buoyant?

Now. All dry and clean. Let’s get another onesie out. Perfect. Back to the swing.

Dammit. I forgot about the shit. No problem. See, look. We’ll just put this hand towel over it and it’ll be fine. No problem.

What’s that face for? You’re not gonna – Shh! Stop, stop, don’t cry! Shhhhhhhhhhh! You’re gonna get daddy in trouble. Remember the last time you cried? Daddy just barely dropped you, but you made it sound like the end of the world and I got yelled at! Stop it!

Now look what you’ve done. You woke up your sister.

Olivia, stop copying your brother. Benjamin, be a man. Men don’t cry. We’re tough. Be a leader, son. Binky? Here you go, wanna binky? Close your mouth. Feel it? There it is. Close your mouth. Good boy!

Ok, angel. Here you go. Good girl. You latched right onto that thing. No wonder your mother’s nipples look like baked mud. All I got to say is you better outgrow that need to suck before you hit puberty or I’ll be damned.

Whew! Now it’s Daddy’s turn to take a nap. Right here in my chair. Ahhh.

(clock tick tocs)


Nooooooo! What the hell is she doing up already? I opened one eye. “What do you want, woman?”

She smiled and kissed me. “Come back in here with me.”

Huh? The other eye popped open. “But you can’t…”

“I can do other things.”

I am one unworthy bastard.